☆StaR’s toP SeCreT不能说的秘密☆

一个女孩的心:她有一颗脆弱的心,脆弱是因为屡次受伤害。一切皆由特别的缘分而起。汹涌的”爱”袭击脆弱的心,她招架不住动了真情,爆发了无可救药的病毒。病毒毫不留情,霸占了整颗心的生命细胞后,慢慢地把“爱”连根拔起,留下悲伤让她痛苦。她的心好像死了可是却隐隐作痛,无缘无故的相思病,没有理由的痴等,忘我的守候没有未来的爱。今天,她一个人面对实在好累但散播病毒的人却毫不知情,他们每天都很快乐很幸福。她连一滴眼泪也不曾让他们看见,因为错在自己有一颗脆弱的心。她不再相信任何人,甜蜜的诺言换来痛苦的折磨,每次都是一个人狼狈的躲起来偷偷掉泪…为什么要这样折磨这颗心?这次的病毒还有半年的时间,忍得真的好难受。他就不可以走吗?

又是十一月十八日,凌晨一点我收到了第一份不可思议的礼物。停车位冒出深黄土色的水淹没了整个停车场,看着宝贝车子被水慢慢淹着心里很紧张。我赶紧取了车匙走在冰冷的黄土水把车子移到高处。他站在窗前看着我离去,连发梦也没有过的奇迹。早上十一点,我开车出去找教授签字然后溜出去和妹妹庆生。谁知道来不及发现路上的深洞撞了过去…呯的巨响。我们紧张的把车子停在路边,然后跑下去检查。哎呀,爆胎了!我慌张的拨电向好友求救,打着紧急讯号灯虚惊的等待她过来。然后,三个女人顶着大太阳换轮胎。过后,我们再赶着前往店去换轮胎。真心疼,明明前几个星期才换的就这样撞爆了。我给自己什么生日礼物呀?庆生计划泡汤,心情也坏了,连中午吃饭也没胃口。只知道整个人被吓坏,还微微颤抖。自从撞车后,抓着驾驶盘心就是扑通扑通跳,已经没有以前那么稳重的驾驶。我好像变了另一个人,很差劲嘢!还以为今年生日又是那样的过了。还好好友知道我很忧伤,特地为我庆生。很感激伯父伯母的心意,知道牛一赔钱很心疼所以特地给了一封红包。我反而觉得很丢脸,麻烦他们的女儿为我换轮胎还拿红包。我真的从未遇过第二个像我这么多麻烦的傻瓜。记得小时候,生日是最开心的一天。亲戚朋友感情很好,大家聚在一起为我唱生日歌开生日会。回想起,真的羡慕当时的我…因为现在大家的感情都冷淡了。至于朋友,很多都是忘记我的生日了。长大了,再也没有朋友为我唱生日歌。终于今年如愿以偿,朋友为我唱生日歌。我真的很感动,一年只有一次嘛。玩到约十一点晚上,我们才散会。回到家,停车场一片狼藉。我望着那扇冷漠无情的窗,空无动静很冷…下午他给的另一个惊喜,看着托格机朝着他的车去傻傻的害怕拔腿。哈,堂堂大男人胆子比我还小嘢!不过,我知道会有离别的一天…就那样陌生的开始陌生的离去。说舍得,当然是骗人的。是他,让我学会了世上没有奇迹…曾经对着星星传出心里话,可是说得越多就失望越高。算啦,发生了那么多事傻瓜都会领悟背后的暗意…他和星星都是不存在的奇迹。每天都紧张的倒数,很快很快六个月就会过了,就得忙着收拾找新居,又那样的把回忆留下洒脱离开。或许这次就是到很远很远,不过就待时间让一切回到原点。也不是第一次了嘛!我无怨言了,总算曾经遇到好心人,从未嫌弃我,真心的在我需要帮忙时伸出暖手。前面的路还多远,累了还是得撑着…加油,很快会过啊!

Sometimes there are things that we tend to ignore in our life because we think they doesn’t matter anything to us. Like me, I just realised that I like to being forgetful of things that hurt a lots. Well, everything will be fine until things that link to the sadness appear out of the blue. It would remind me the failure that I had. I don’t like to cry for no reasons but I just couldn’t stop being cool when I came across things that bring me to the past. I just wonder why peoples always give me illogical excuses. Anyway, I had no intention to find out what’s the true answer because it wasn’t important to me now. Hmm, really curious what’s the next crazy answer I would get?! After so long, most of the door were closing slowly due to my poor networking. I was quiet upset when I found out things have change by the time. Well, it’s time to walk out from the safe zone & eyeing for new opportunity. What would the life be? Moving into new place…Getting the first job…Starting a brand new life… No matter where the next destination is, I am praying hard that it will be as far as possible away from here. I am just too tired to face with unpleasant things. I just want to lead a life in somewhere I won’t bump into faces that reminded me the failure I had.

Dad, we had a dream…I’m not sure whether it’s still possible to come true but I’m going to put it aside. There’re other more important things that I need to do now. One day, the answer for what I am searching for will reveal

God, forgive me for complaining so much recently. But I really can no longer stand it. After the road accident, my life was really in a mess. Everything is getting so complicated. I lost control of my temper & it started to show more often when I came across obstacles in life. Life is getting tough. I am rushing with the time to finish my work. No matter it’s raining or sunny day, I have to get up early to catch the bus. The bus always not punctual & sometimes I need to squeeze like a sardine in the tin can. Then I have to climb all the way up with my laptop. By the time I reach my lab, I was sweating madly & very tired. Again the same thing when it’s time to go home, I’ll rush to the bus stop. However, the bus always late. I always wait for an hour plus with the hungry tummy under the hot sun or rain. By the time I reach home it’s almost 8pm. After having my dinner, I will be lying on the bed & too tired to do my work. Yet I still tell myself everything will be fine soon. But now I know it’s not going to happened. I have been waiting for a month & praying hard to get back the car. But in the end, the car is still stuck in the workshop without any progress. The car have been towed from one branch to another branch without my acknowledgement. Then they accused insurance company was the one caused my claims pending. So I called the insurance company in KL & was told that they gave my claims files to Kuantan branch. Ok, I contact the agent in Kuantan. Then I found out that actually workshop was the one telling lies. They didn’t hand over the documents I gave to the insurance company. The workshop claim consultant sent the documents after I complaint about it. Well, I thought that’s the end for all the chaos. Sadly, I was told that Kuantan branch sent my files back to KL branch again. They said it was due to the claims that exceed RM5,000. Fine, I called the KL branch to ask for progress. Amazingly nobody knows what’s up with my files. I had enough…the conclusion of all these, my car is not coming back to me as soon as I wish. Perhaps next year if I were lucky enough! It seems to be a ball kicking from one place to another. Punishment?! Well, I am the most wicked devil that deserved all these?! Of course, those criminals, rapist & terrorist also doesn’t live such a miserable life like mine! What’s more awaiting for me? Argh, I am really fed up with my life…hate it very much! Why don’t just kill me on the spot? Not enough with taking my dad away, so now is my car?! Then my life?! I started to doubt what I am believing & I don’t know who I should believe. Frankly, I don’t know why I am here? I am losing more & more things that I care & love. But I still tell myself not to give up hope & everything will be alright. So frustrated, I stop praying & just let it be because I’m tired of lying to myself. Nothing will be alright & more disaster is coming. God, why?

Sailing on the sea with broken ship that might just sink at anytime…

It’s the sea of Karma that full with punishment…

Strong wave hits again & again…

The ship is heading nowhere…

It’s sinking as the time goes…

Too tired & timid to sail on the sea…

当世界容不下你的时候,你会怎样?

当世界变得很灰的时候,你会怎样?

当世界只有残酷现实的时候,你会怎样?

为什么人家可以拥有实现梦想的机会?

为什么人家可以拥有无忧无虑的快乐?

为什么我就是渐渐失去生命里重要的东西?

为什么我就是一波多折?

我犯了什么罪恶?为什么是我?

我问自己为何三年前不肯离开这里?执著着梦想,我吃尽苦头也不肯回归。结果,我越陷越深而惹上身的祸也不少。但心还是坚持走到底,任人摧残也默默忍受委屈。我还是不肯向坎坷的命运低头,就是咬紧牙根也要成功。结果,不属于我的,再执著最终还是一无所有。我不忿,却无奈无法改变命运,二十多年的努力就如此告吹了。真可笑,我现在也不晓得自己能够做什么!当我越靠近目标,我就面对更多残酷的事实,无奈眼睁睁看着目标消失眼前。破灭的梦想,唯有以泪水收场,不甘情愿的埋没心里。选择留下,我很后悔。因为我失去了很重要的人,他就是我背后无怨的给我追求梦想的动力。我愧疚,说好的梦想已变成泡泡消失了。我遗憾,浪费了那么多的精神和时间却是一场空。我不服,比我条件差的却深得别人的呵护。我,就是那样潇洒的哭着傻笑。突然间,我也不知道自己要往哪里去?只知道发生了那么多事后,我已经心淡得没有理由继续待在这里了。每次在关键的紧急时刻,我都是恐慌的一个人去面对一切。虽然我知道我的生命里没有奇迹,但心里深处还是默默的等待一个可以为我解难的依靠。结果,他永远都不会来。他,根本就不存在,因为他是不会让我落寞无助一个人度过难关的。不过他已不重要了,我已学会一个人更勇敢的活下去。虽然我不知道自己还有多长的时间,但我只想在断气之前能为至亲的家人做一些事情。这次安然无恙逃过鬼门关,我真的很感激菩萨的保佑。飞来横祸,我逃不过,就当是破财消灾。虽然我存了好久才筹得那笔钱,一瞬间要拿来还维修费我当然心疼。那位有钱大婶欠我的一句对不起,那么难为她我也不勉强了。无端端顶上她的失误驾驶罪,我也认命了。这一刻,我只想尽快解决她扔给我那堆山的麻烦。我曾经嫌妈妈唠叨又想太多,她好几次骂我做人无防人之心,太轻易信人迟早会害死自己。我现在明白了,可惜太迟了。大婶前言不对后语,我反而袒护她的疏忽,莫名其妙变成罪人。整个事情越变越复杂,保险赔偿仍下落不明。我可怜的车子也不知何时才能维修。我一直说服自己无所谓,日晒雨淋踏巴士,汗流浃背上下爬山。本来偷笑,还好有短径让我爬…谁知半途遇上毒蛇,还好及时发现保住小命。原来霉运缠身时,生命也特别脆弱。经历了这一劫,我才看清身边人的真面目。有的看到我就怕得躲躲闪闪,害怕我的霉气会给他们添麻烦。其实我也内疚连累别人,就算他们不闪人,我自己也不好意思靠近他们。可是,我却预想不到那些住在更远而不识路的朋友毫无怨言的施助手。谢谢,我真的感激不已。真的庆幸,这一生能够遇到如此真心待人的朋友。

我前世到底做了什么坏事,今生会如此?而那些无恶不做的坏人,他们前世修来什么福,今生却活得悠闲又快乐?这些人永远都看不见你的痛苦,老是惹你麻烦故意在你的伤口上撒盐,你越是挣扎他们越是开心。好啊,我累了却停不下来…无精力和时间去反抗他们,只会待看他们的完美结局…

5^th September 2009…the most horrible experience in my entire life. I felt like I was filming a dangerous stunt movie. I woke up early in the morning to rush to get myself “taufu fah” which always sold out fast. Sadly, it wasn’t my day again as it was sold out again. I just watched the woman took the last one & walked away. So I bought Nasi Lemak & oranges for breakfast. As usual I sat in front of my laptop surfing the internet before I took a bathe. It was about 1 pm, I was wondering where to have lunch. My sister also wasn’t sure of what she wanted for her lunch. Somehow deep in my heart I didn’t feel like going out for lunch. But I still took my car key & left the room. We planned to have lunch at section 11 but it seems a bit late so we scared Nasi Lemak was sold out again. So I decided to go to section 14 to get some stuff from the Watson Pharmacy then have lunch around there or somewhere else.

There were quiet a lot of car in section 14 & I was wondering whether we could get a parking lot. I lingered around & finally found one which was quiet distance away. So I went to get my stuff & found nothing nice for lunch. So I decided to go back to the café that I usually have my lunch in SS2. Frankly, maybe everything was written in my destiny… instead of taking the traffic light that I used to take, I make a U-turn & heading toward the main road. And the most funny thing was I waited at the T-junction that I never take in my entire life. I was a bit regretful when I stopped at the T-junction since there were so many car which traveled at very fast speed. So I waited patiently until I saw a red Honda City coming with the signal to turn left into the junction. I turned left out to the main road & the next moment was real shocking. I heard a loud bang & something hit on me so hard that my car was turning 180 degree. I just saw blank & my sister was screaming. My heart stop beating for awhile & I was so shock that I was stuck on the roadside devider. Peoples were walking toward my car & stared at us. I was really shock as I walked out & shivering in fear. The impact was so great that I was too shock & couldn’t say anything. My sister was so furious & get to the woman who knock on our car. She was so fierce & started to scold the woman. Of course, the woman said it wasn’t her mistake & blame on us. A taxi driver who witnessed everything came & said the woman was a nuts. He said she was quiet uncertain with her direction but travelling very fast. So it was her who was driving too fast & lost control of her car. She bang my car instead of turning into the junction. Only God knows at what speed she was trying to kill us since there was no sign of break at all. Sadly the taxi driver left in a hurry & other witness also left. She still insisted everything was my fault. I was so scared as I had no idea what I should do. I was shivering while browsing through my handphone looking for help. I almost cried as I knew I had no relation who I could rely on. I called the insurance company but nothing seems to be helpful. So I called Petrina for help. Then I was standing under the hot burning sun looking at my car damages. Oh my God, the engine seems badly damaged as something was broken & leaked all over the road. I tried to start the engine but it wasn’t working. The left front body was totally bent inside, the left tyre was flat, the front bumper almost fall out, my bonnet was dammed, the tyre rim also spoiled, the back bumper was scratched… my car was totally in a bad shape. Only God knows how painful my heart was when I saw the only thing that my late dad left for me was ruined in a moment. I really felt like crying out loud. A man came to help the woman & I felt so scared that they might threaten me. Finally I called another friend for help. A man from the nearby workshop came to ask me remove my car away to the side. There wasn’t anyone willing to help, I thought I had to push with my sister. But the matter was will we manage it? Luckily the guy saw I was so helpless & offered to push for me with his worker. Now another problem… I would be summon if the police came since I was obstructing the road. I was waiting for the help to come with fear. Then two men came to offer me to tow my car & settle everything for me. Of course, I was so scared as I know nothing & not sure how to settle the thing. I was worried that they might cheat me & stirred up everything. I still insisted to wait for my friends to come. They kept pressuring me with summon. My relation called from hometown to ask me tow the car & make police report first. Frankly my mind was blank & I had no idea who I should listen to. The woman also kept telling people that she was right & challenged me to drive to nearest police station. I just told her angrily that my car was unable to move at all. I was really frustrated as she kept saying she did no wrong. Well, all the witness were not there so she was so daring to speak so loud. Finally, after waiting for almost half an hour we decided to let the two guys towed the car. We cleared everything from the car & made our way to PJ police station. We felt so tired, hungry & thirsty as we haven’t had our lunch & standing under the hot sun for so long. I filled in the form & typed the report. Oh man, it was so troublesome looking for the name of the road. Finally we waited to be call to see the inspecting officer. Again he heard the word “simpang”…I was pleaded guilty. So he summon me RM300 & she got away from the mess. He said I could appeal in Bukit Aman but I knew the luck never side me so no point to trouble others. Fine, I’ll just pay it. I was quiet upset & purposely showed my frustration in front of her. Finally my car was towed to Perodua workshop in Shah Alam. Thank God, I managed to quench my thirst at last. But I already had no appetite to eat. We didn’t manage to settle the insurance claims since it was already closing hour. So everything need to be done by next week. We were so tired & hungry by the time we reached home. Well, one day just gone for nothing. I couldn’t even sleep well as I was still traumatize by the impact of her speed. Only God knows at what speed she was trying to kill me & she would have knock down something else if I wasn’t there. But everything totally in a mess & I had no idea how to settle it. Now I had no transportation & life is going to be troublesome. Worse was I had no idea how much money I need to spend for when it was done. But I really thank God that I just changed my insurance to first party on May recently. Well, may all ended fine…